My illness means that I have my highs but most often lows even if I since 2006 been able most of the time to be at an even level. I’m well acquainted with the symptoms and I hate it when I can feel them come. However I have never experience what I’m experience right now: a manic and depression mix. I want to shop and shop and shop and shop and yet it doesn’t give me any satisfaction. My body is filled with adrenalin, heart pumping, I’m shacky. At the same time I’m dead tired, low and just can’t get anything done – or at least that is how it feels. All energy goes to handle work. Another symptom that is here is the need/desire for sweets.
I got my bonus yesterday. I have been thinking for a long time what I should do with it. It felt good to get it with this month salary and not the next one as I knew there were a few large sums that was going out: medication, yoga, hairdresser and several birthdays. Now I know that Stella will be feed and there will even be some left for me. J When I noticed the symptoms I decided that the best thing is to do something about all small “need lists” I have. By doing this I hope I’ll get my shopping manic controlled and I get what I need. If I have a list I keep to it when I get into the shop. A need list is where I note down things that needs to be changed, fixed or are missing.
I’m more worried about the upcoming (?) depression:
Will I be able to control my eating? It always gets much worse when I’m tired as now.
Will I see the fun and relaxation in my cross-stitching? It’s so easy to just leave it or sew one day, unpick the next.
Will I manage to continue to write? It felt so good to be able to write 1 new chapter after 1½ years.
Will I manage to keep in touch with friends? E-mailing is tough and takes energy. Just lifting the phone is just as hard. It is so easy to just close the shield.
Stella is my life saver when I feel like this. This morning she came and pressed her head against my body, a sign that she want to cuddle while I’m still in bed. This is something she does nearly every day and keeps doing until I finally get up. She gets me outside even if our walks go slow, extremely slow for being us. She is company and someone who needs me. She is there for me
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I have always admired your intelligent approach to your illness and the courage with which you combat it. I hope you weather this particular storm well and that the depression loosens its grip very quickly. I know that you have good friends who care for you and I know how much Stella loves her 'mummy'. You are a very special lady and I feel privileged to be your friend.
ReplyDeleteBeing your "new" friend, I didn't know you had this particular illness. I'm sorry you have to go through this and hope that it doesn't take too long to get through this episode! Remember you always have the blog, and sometimes that helps to write out how you feel! thanks for sharing this with us!
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