Losing temper

I don’t often loose my temper. I can whine and be irritated about things but I very seldom raise my voice. Last Thursday I did that to a colleague. I can only say that she pushed me over the edge when doing something at the wrong moment.

Since our youngest colleague went home as she had her baby it has just been the two of us. My colleague’s capacity to take many patients hasn’t been very high and she has never managed to reach the amount of visits that the company has set for us. She has this year but under the steady compliment that it’s too much and that she doesn’t have the time to do things the way she wants. She has been allowed to work extra (she works part time) when she has needed. On the opposite side there is me. I admit that we are like black and white. I have during the last year taken everything that hasn’t been with in the specific areas that she has or the patient has been one of hers before.

Tuesday I talked to a person from the community’s care taker. They were having huge problems with a customer. I didn’t have a time that was suitable for the rest of the week so I booked my colleague, who had the whole afternoon free (unbooked) a few days later. Sent a notice to my colleague, as we has as a routine, to notify her about it and got the answer back that she had had other plans for that afternoon. I didn’t comment on that even if I had a very sharp one on the tip of my tongue.

Comes Thursday, my colleague goes to that patient and when she came back she told me what was needed to be done and handed over the papers to me. I snapped. In my defence I do have to say that I had received that day 3 new patients from the hospital that I had booked on me and two more from our Health Care centres. I yelled at her and grabbed the papers from her.

Later I went and talked to her and found this out:
- The patient wasn’t hers; she had just gone in and judged the means of need. I told her that with that reasoning the patient and the staff around her were to wait for help until April since the patient was our "mummy colleague's". I had during the summer talked a lot with the night patrols boss but I hadn’t met the patient for years, and then I was only there to help "mummy colleague" to lift a bed. As I saw it the patient was hers but that I now had taken care of what needed to be ordered and would do the follow up.
- She thinks I’m going to take over some of her patients which I’m not. I have said that I can help her out. I have before seen to that equipment has been ordered or sent back. This doesn’t sound as much but takes it time. And if I start taking over her patients she won’t have many left. I know that I have said that I have time over sometimes and we are not getting in very much new. This is true. In fact we don’t have enough work if all three of us were working and every woman did what she was supposed to. There isn’t any waiting list and yet it’s our full-time colleague that is home. But perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps helping out means taking over patients.

We also talked about what the company wants and I was clear to her that they won’t, in the situation that is just now, listen to what we say, they will look at what we produce and costs for it. If we don’t produce they will simply see to that more OT % disappears. We simply have to accept that it’s going to be tough at work and if we want to keep our jobs accept it and do the best we can. It’s definitive not going to be easier next year, on the contrary, it's going to be even tougher.

I know I shouldn’t have snapped/yelled but I’m not sorry that I did.

Still, I’m dreading to go to work tomorrow.

Ayurveda and yoga

This weekend I have learned more about Ayurveda and yoga at a weekend course. It has been theory and practice. It has been cold! I who normally don’t want to have a blanket on me while doing Yoga Nidra or meditation have been wrapped up in a couple, plus today I took a pair of really thick socks with me. And yet I wished I could have some gloves on.

It has been very interesting and even though I have read and studied books and information on the internet since I went on the consultation I have got a new insight to the subject. I can also understand why I have had a hard time struggling with understand which kind of personality I have when a lot of things are against it. Mattias is going to e-mail us the information he has given us. I’m sure that if I can sit down I’ll understand more. Also we did get a book of him (one that I had before but never mind). I know that when I reread it I’m sure I’ll get more out of it.

It is as Mattias told me in February: I have got to much wind in my life. The imbalance means that I either blow out the fire or dry out the mud causing problems/dysfunctions in me. Also I can see why some food really isn’t for me and some is.

Now to be able to get healthier on all levels I need to start living more according to Ayurveda and avoid or at least lower the things that are nonos.

The question is: do I have the strength and energy in me to do so?

You never know or you should never say never

I have lately done a couple things I thought I would never do.
1) I have ordered tea online! I have ordered my favourite tea that I before only have been able to find at Selfridges in London (and Düsseldorf’s airport). I knew the company had a site but I never thought that I actually would order from it. And it didn’t stop just there my dear friends in Burr Ridge are getting some coffee and teabags of my favourite tea from that company too.

2) This week I started a savings account. Now that I have done before but I have never had one with just one purpose. This one is called San Francisco 2014. The week I stayed there in 2005 was really nice but still in a way disappointing since I damaged my knee when getting off the plane. I want to go there again and when I earlier this year looked into it I realized that the cost was too high. I can travel and stay in London for 8 nights and still have lots of spending money for the cost of just hotel and plane tickets. Monday this week one of the newspaper had a Lonely planet travellers guide about San Francisco as “extra” and this made me make a decision about saving to a trip and it felt suitable to have a goal too. You see, I plan to celebrate my 50th birthday in San Francisco.

Stella update

I made the tough decision that she shall stay with my parents. I do know that she doesn’t like to go by train and I do already know there will a few trips next year. Stella seems to enjoy her stay. She makes “our” bed each day, she spends so much time in the kitchen that dad thinks she must have been a chief in an earlier life, I say she is probably just amazed that the kitchen can be used for something and that someone knows how to cook.

Things where going so well

Stella left with my parents last Sunday. She looked at me when they drove off, probably wondering why I wasn’t in the car.

Monday came and I called the constructor. They can’t start on the kitchen until the 18th of January and we who had talked about mid-November. I have mangaged to have the kitchen units arrive in January instead of in a few weeks time. I have seen to that the new stove will be installed when it arrives next week.

But my Stella …

I’m feeling like a terrible mom right now. I sent her away and it wasn’t needed. I feel like I have deserted her. I don’t know if I should fetch her and then take her back to Skåne in January. Should I let her stay? That would mean 3 months away from now. Stella has through my father let me know that she wants to stay. Economical I should let her do that. The train tickets cost a lot. I know Stella isn’t that found of travelling by train even if she never protests when we do so. I know my parents spoil her and she gets to ride in the car. I know my parents would be OK with it.

But I’m not OK! It’s empty, not the same emptiness that have accrued when I lost my other two dogs, it’s different, another kind of emptiness. I feel terrible for washing her blankets and storing her food away (did that Sunday). It feels like I’m getting rid of her. I’m scared that if I let her stay she won’t want to be with me, won't see me as her "people", won't want to come home with me or be a miserable dog when she does. What if she feels that I gave her up, deserted her?

Shall I be selfish and fetch her the last weekend in November or shall I let her stay until the beginning of February? I know I have to make a decision this weekend. It should be a easy choice but it isn’t.

A giant step forward towards a new kitchen

Yesterday I bought a new stove.

Today I have ordered my new kitchen and it’s estimated to be delivered on the 19th of November.

Tomorrow another part will be done and that is probably the hardest one. Stella will be leaving me for some time with my parents. Hopefully I can go and pick her up just before Christmas or around New Year.

Next week I’ll talk to the constructor and then order floor, tiles and wallpaper.

Shame on me

I had given myself a promise that I shouldn’t buy any new cookbooks before my kitchen was done. I have today broken that promise. No, I didn’t get Nigella Lawson’s Christmas as they keep putting the release forward. However I did get the two other Nigella Lawson’s that I don’t have and that I’m sure won’t come out in Swedish: “How to be an domestic goddess” and “How to eat”. And blushing I have to admit that Julia Child’s Mastering the art of French cooking sort of joined the other two in the cart.

Good thing I had the kids with me

I took the kids to the cinema yesterday. The kids are my niece and her two cousins. Let’s say it was stressful to start with, not that it was the kids though. The queue to the popcorn was really long, and it stopped moving at one point. So I changed when they opened a new cashier. Only to see that they one I had stood in started to move again ….

After having our tickets torn I realised that I had forgotten what I had got for myself on the counter.

We managed to enter our seats in time.

The movie “Up” was really good and I recommend it. However I don’t recommend what happened afterwards. I dropped my purse!! Luckily for me I had two of the kids behind me and they spotted it. Relief.

It seems that every time I take these three to the cinema I manage to keep their things together and counted for but not my own.